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[06 Apr 2006|02:39am]
Tell me a story, tell me something exciting or boring or funny or scary that has happened to you this week. Make it anything but make it the truth. I have nothing new to report, I'm just trying to make my journal a little more alive.
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[21 Feb 2006|07:23am]
[ mood | awake ]

I just had the best dream about Meg and I. We owned our own house that looked rather like a castle and had a kitten called 'Standard' (just so the place had some) and we sat around playing video games and listening to Pink Floyd. (We played the entire Walls 2-disc set, and I haven't listened to that in ages!)

But then my best friend (who didn't look like any of my friends but rather some Indian guy I work with except he had a faux-hawk) ruined it all because he and I got high and/or drunk together and we played poker with a couple of shady mob guys. I bet Meg's house (her name was on the lease) and lost. The mob got theirs though, on some city train to somewhere the police were on and I could hear them talking about arresting the guys who were on there too.

Then I walked out and Monday was laying in her car on her cell phone to nobody and off in lala land from... something, I'm not sure what but I drove her home and woke up when the alarm went off.

The end.

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[13 Feb 2006|10:44am]
You lot all really suck and should update more.

I know, I'm a hypocrite. But I have nothing to write about and I'm sure you all do. You're all exciting like that.
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[27 Dec 2005|11:20pm]
Happy birthday to me.

Merry Christmas to you.
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[private] [23 Dec 2005|04:57pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I think I'm going to be okay. It's a scary thought when, after years of being like this, you suddenly wake up and realise that all the guilt and hurt and hate you've held onto for the last three years is fading so quickly and somehow it's all going to work out. And be normal, whatever that is.

I want to say it's all because of me letting go but it's not. In fact, I know most of it is because of Meg. But a person can't hold onto the past forever, it just drags you down and only you can set yourself free from it so that I'm choosing to let go is... Well, as harsh as it is, it's not all her work. Some of it's me too, but she gave me the courage to face the truth. This year has had it's ups, downs, crashes and rises but it's all been progress. I've met wonderful people, kept the important ones from before, but it's all about growing up.

I'm twenty-five on Tuesday, Noah has been dead for three years and six days. (Officially, anyway. That was when his body was found-He did it away from home so there wouldn't be a chance Eve or I would find him.) I drove out to the spot where he killed himself and sat out on the rocks for his death-day anniversary. Wrote him a letter, said a prayer. I always do that. But I did something I'd never been able to do before and I guess it shows how it's finally easing. Not, you know, so I'll forget him because I never could but just enough so I can begin to function again.

I opened the last thing he ever gave me. For three years I've kept it in the cupboard beside some of his things, never opened it and ignored it for so long that I sometimes forgot I still had it. But I opened it. A video and CD, like I knew when he first put it under the tree and I laughed and poked it and said, 'Which band?' because he always gave me band bios or something. He just smiled sadly, shrugged and said I'd have to wait. So I waited, for years longer than he planned, and finally I found out.

It's a CD of our favourite songs and sountrack to our lives. Songs we played on road trips whenever we went, songs we sang at school, songs I played to him on my guitar on summer afternoons and he sung along to. Just ones that meant something to one or both of us. And then there was the video, by him and from him and to me. I opened it in the car when I was paying my respects and played the CD in the car on the way back. I got home after Meg was in bed and watched it then. He said he was sorry, that he had to do this, that he knew I'd never forgive him and he couldn't forgive himself for it either but he had to do it all the same. But he's wrong, I do forgive him. I still wish he hadn't and sure as fuck wish I could have stopped him but I know why he did. He had to, because he didn't see any other way. I found music and Eve could never actually go through with it but something in him made him brave (or weak enough) to take the leap and do it.

Sometimes I still want to hate him for it and other times I want to blame myself. But this year, I realised it wasn't my fault and what's done is done and the story isn't about him anymore. It's about the people left behind and how they cope. And while I broke down when it happened, and couldn't even bring myself to go inside the church where his funeral service was held and even was asked to see a psychologist because I was so bad, I knew deep down it was part of healing. I might have felt like I'd never be happy again, but I am. It's slow, but after a while I began to think of something he said or did when he was alive and I'd laugh instead of cry. After that, it began to be easier.

I'm going to be 25. I should have my brother by my side celebrating how he's the older (and therefore better) twin like he always did but I don't. At least, not physically. But he lingers in my mind, in spirit, maybe even as a ghost. But I know he's happy now and it's time I was too. I'm getting there.

[18 Dec 2005|10:41pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Gig went well last night, even with certain people there and another person being weird as hell.

But this morning is good too. Except there is a giant ant on my computer screen, one of those massive biting kinds that you KNOW will try to kill you. I want to move it outside but it looks angry or hungry (both of which I'm sure would make it turn on me if I tried to slide paper under it) and Meg isn't around to move it for me. She's better with not freaking out about insects than I am. I hate the fuckers but I can never bring myself to kill them.

Also, why the hell am I watching this? (In my defence, I flogged it from my sister.)

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As the shirt says; "Your music sucks" [13 Dec 2005|01:31am]

Saturday, 17th of December at the Rossburn hotel. We're playing with... some other local bands. But they're not nearly as important as mine and probably suck. Anyway, just be there and we'll love you forever. (Or some of us will love you for the moment and sleep with you on the night, take your pick.)

Other than scoring a gig nobody will ever go to, because strangers won't come and I refuse to allow people I know in there because it makes me feel weird (Yes, that includes you) there isn't anything to report. Oh, the excitement.

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[Paul] [26 Nov 2005|02:20am]
When I got home from Thanksgiving with the in-laws, Cain had left a message on the machine saying we have a gig on... some date. I'm exhausted and forget. He said he tried to call you first but you were introducing your new wife to the other demons like you (his words, not mine) and to let you know if you didn't get it/remind you/something.

Edit-I just turned on my cell phone for the first time in two or three days, have a text message from Fitz saying they got onto you and to go to you if I want details or more info. So yes, inform me because I lost the paper I scribbled the important info onto and deleted the message on the phone. (Yes, I'm brilliant, I know.)
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[26 Nov 2005|02:11am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I feel I should write here and say what I'm thankful for this year (a couple of days late but in my defence, I was in Conneticut meeting my girlfriend's family) but since everyone who is important to me knows why/if I love them, I don't feel the need to.

On another note, the chemist closest to Meg's parent's house stocks the condoms beside the pregnancy tests. I'm not sure what exactly this is hinting at but I'm paranoid about what it means now.

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[15 Nov 2005|01:14pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Because I want to be a list maker (but not in the Robin Klein sort of way. Wait, no, exactly like that!) and be cool like all the other kids who can use bullets, I present a list;

Things Seb likes today

  • Moving into the new apartment with my beautiful girlfriend over the weekend.
  • Making awful band mates carry the heavy things in because that's all they're really good for.
  • Spending the first two nights here by candlelight with aforementioned beautiful girlfriend because electricty wasn't on.
  • Waking up beside beautiful girlfriend. (Even though she had to rush off to work shortly after we... *ahem* woke up.)
  • Worrying with Jonas about Thanksgiving and meeting the significant other's parents and wondering what Meg wants to do on the holidays?
  • Remembering how to use the list thingy and being all technologically advanced!
  • Having technology back on after the power company said they'd send somebody on Monday who didn't get here until two hours ago on the TUESDAY!

And I'm in too good of a mood to be negative and make a list of things I hate. I took both Monday and today off from work so I'm going to go unpack some more before I have to go back and come home to such a mess. (Although it is kind of cool to walk amongst the boxes and imagine they're giant rocks with aliens hiding behind them... Uh yeah, I need to give up the video games.)

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Wishing to be the friction in your jeans [10 Nov 2005|12:31am]
[ mood | weird ]

We have a home!

Meg and I have an appointment tomorrow at some real estate place to sign papers for it but it's ours and we can move in as soon as we sign those papers. (It brings about a new pile of worries and insecurities but I'll deal with them.) It's just a few blocks over, about five minutes from my uncle and sister and about ten or so from Jonas and Paul. (That's in theory anyway, I've yet to test it.) I told Eve I was leaving and she laughed and said how at least I'll have somewhere else to bring my heroin addicted friends. (She still thinks there is something mentally wrong with you, Jonas. Or rather, something that has been diagnosed and is mostly in your psychological health.)

The new place doesn't have a basement or anywhere for a band to fit so we have to either A) find somewhere else for band practice (Paul's is out, Fitz's barely has room for himself and Cain's mother would kill us) or B) We keep using the one here 3 times a week which makes much more sense. (Although we didn't have practice tonight because Paul called to say he had to stay home which I assume means Jonas told him something or Jonas told him something else and he's avoiding me but either way, Cain and Fitz hung out and we watched porn movies for the night.)

What is this, Random FM? This radio station I'm on (I don't even know which) just played Fall Out Boy and then straight to old Metallica. And the announcer mentioned something about Muse coming up. But I'm going to bed now so I probably won't hear it.

That's all folks!

P.S. Watching The Shining is so much more hilarious when you have a giant freak named Cain sitting beside you making up the words and extra storylines involving his fetish for twin girls. (Yes, girls. Noah and I were always entirely safe from him with our penises (penii?) and manlyness.)

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[04 Nov 2005|05:50pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

I am somebody's layout which is an extremely weird thing to be. I keep looking at the picture and thinking, 'Wow. My nose is awful. So are my eyebrows and WHAT THE HELL is with the glitter?' so now I'm all paranoid my face really is that messed up in real life and can't even fight back in the graphic wars because I haven't even changed my icons for over a year, let alone learnt how to do a layout. Any smart graphicy peoples want to help? Monday, please? I know she's your best friend and all but you could give all your support to a lowly boyfriend just once right?

In other news, I've decided to give up this theorising about my sexuality. I've had a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend. They have/do both meant/mean the world to me and both always will in their own little ways. I'm not gay, I'm not bi and the ex boyfriend probably excludes me from being straight too. Pansexual maybe? I don't know, but the point is I'm over it. I love Meg so it's not like it matters anyway. It's not like I'll come home at 3am with emo glasses on my collar or anything. (So not obsessed with him. Maybe you two are just obsessed with the idea of us getting it on or just want poor Andy to be the one left holding the camera.)

OOC for Faye/anyone else interested in the Smeg.Collapse )

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[Private] [03 Nov 2005|02:52am]
[ mood | dirty ]


Well, really. I don't know. I can't figure it out and talking to people wouldn't work because the people I'd talk to would either be weirded out by it (Meg, Jonas, Paul) or make fun of me for it. (Everyone else.) It's weird. I mean... He's my band mate and he's my friend and she's my girlfriend and all of this is supposed to stay in this nice little niche so I understand it perfectly and it doesn't involve blurred lines.

'Supposed to' being the key words there. I really don't get what's wrong with me. I know that I'm not attracted to either Jonas or Paul and they're awesome guys but whenever I think about the two of them together I get... weird.

Not necessarily a bad weird, but weird enough to know that it'd be awkward to discuss it with anyone. I mean, I can't even say I want to have a threesome with them, which would be so much simpler, because it's not that at all. I can't explain it too well. I just feel funny when I think of them that way, kind of fascination-funny.

Jonas is currently telling me about all these little scars and marks he has over his body and just... It's a weird fetish to have, wanting to know what two friends do solely because you're curious about other people's sex lives. Maybe that's it, maybe I'm just a perve and it's quite a disgusting habit to have that I should conquer now. Maybe...

OHGODFUCK! "So apparently I have these three freckles on the back of my shoulder. I didn't know they were there, but Paul pointed them out to me the other day."

See, the image of them actually doing anything isn't that... brilliant but hearing about little things like that make me want to... I don't know. It's messed up. I have a girlfriend and I'm on the heterosexual end of the scale. Why the hell does hearing about Jonas talking about kissing his own boyfriend make me feel like this and at the same time, give me this urge to go there and protect them from ever breaking up or being hurt.

Maybe that's it, maybe it's because I missed out on watching a stable relationship with my parents, maybe I need to see them together because it's a safe, stable thing?

Or maybe I just need to stop analysing myself too much and go to bed instead.

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The restaurant at the end of the world [27 Oct 2005|08:33am]
[ mood | calm ]

I have nothing to say, and haven't for the last month, so I'm just going to update (because I feel I should) with an excert from The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy by Douglas Adams (because I can) so there.

Chapter 28.

The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are several - one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you let get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well known fact, that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.

And so this is the situation we find: a succession of Galactic power that they very rarely notice that they're not.
And somewhere in the shadows behind them - who?
Who can possibly rule is no one who wants to do it can be allowed to?

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[28 Sep 2005|01:04am]
Paul, I'd watch out if I were you. Jon is getting all snuggly and clucky;

crabastian: Sooo....what about you? When do you plan to get Andy pregnant?
dj_jonas: O_o
dj_jonas: ...what makes you think it isn't the other way around?
crabastian: You're not eating enough or rightly to get pregnant.
dj_jonas: *frowns* I'm eating just fine. I told you.
crabastian: Plus I see you more as a father figure. At least with Paul, he can teach any girl children make-up tips.
crabastian: And some of the boys.
dj_jonas: You see me as a father figure? That's really disturbing.
crabastian: Well. If whatever higher being was cruel enough to let you be anyone's parent, yes. Especially with Paul.
crabastian: Plus you don't have the hips for childbearing.
dj_jonas: That's really scary. And I could! There's nothing wrong with my hips!
crabastian: You could have children because your hips are wide-enough?
dj_jonas: Sure. Why not?
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Cryptic message of the day [11 Sep 2005|02:59am]
[ mood | drunk ]

I want to ask but I'm afraid of the answer but it's her so it's not weird. Or is it? Maybe it is. I'm not sure. I'm too drunk to think anyway, and I guess only one person has half a hope of understanding this. Maybe two. Hopefully one. I could private it but the point of an online journal is lost then, isn't it? But what if I was reading it all wrong and she wasn't even hinting. I'd look like a dork then. Am a dork.

Yeeah. My sister had a party tonight. I stole their alcohol and hid in the garage with Bluey who is a red guitar. Go me. I'm just the new Connor Oberst like that; drunken song writing in the dark. Oh yeah. (It could be worse than my stupid emo and drunken entries at 3 on a Sunday morning, I could do it like a Brooklyn man. With my carbomb I can fix everything.) Someone gave me that Pushmonkey album, I forget who, but it's awesome. They're awesome. Listen to them. Now. Instead of me. Except for when I say listen to them.

Anyway. My original question; Would she?

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[02 Sep 2005|08:55pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Note to self:

The more you try to argue with anyone about their eating habits, the more you stab yourself in the foot with a fork. No matter how bad or fussy you complain theirs are, they can always come back with, 'But you're vegan! You're fussy too!'

It's Friday night and I feel like there's somewhere else I'm meant to be right now, but I can't think of it.

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[Private] [30 Aug 2005|03:40pm]
[ mood | morose ]

I haven't updated in flipping ages. I've been meaning to, but haven't actually gotten around to it until now. It's a private entry anyway, so it'll look like I haven't for even longer now. Posting privately on an online journal is lame anyway, there's no point. But I can't find any paper so here I am, writing shite nobody will read. (Except possibly Cain who enjoys breaking into my computer far too much.)

Things with Meg have been going swell. I'm not too sure how I should feel about being with her; Half of me says she's my best girl friend and it shouldn't be girlfriend, but the other side is the more logical one that says we both feel this way so why not? My track record with girls hasn't been very great but this has a different feel to it. My last two girlfriends lasted two months at the most, there was nothing there at all. Meg makes me feel like Dominic used to, as unfair as it is to compare lovers. I don't mean it in a bad way at all, just that when I was 16 and with Dominic, I had this head-over-heels, lovesick boy thing going on and Meg has brought that out all over again. We're both neurotic and insecure, but somehow this feels more permanent than anything else I have.

I've realised that some of my biggest fears come from my family in some way; I'm terrified I'll lose my sister, become my father, follow my brother... It's not a good track record for mental stability. I guess I'm a little better off because I have things to keep me grounded, but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough and I wonder if I'm setting myself up to fall by relying on something too much. That's kind of what happened with them. My father needed my mother, Eve needed Dad, Noah needed me. I need music and my friends, what if that isn't enough this time?

I guess this is all coming from yesterday when I pulled out a box of writings from Noah after a fight with Eve. That kid used to hide so much, even before he got sick and tried so hard to push me away. It's bad enough for everyone else to read, but he was my twin brother. I was supposed to know him, and I didn't. I thought I couldn't help him and I failed him. Sometimes it makes me angry to think about how I could have helped, and I didn't, and how he should have told me all these different things in person; how he should be here now to tell me.

I guess I took it out on Jonas last night and snapped at him about Paul and his eating patterns. It was stupid really, but I haven't seen him online since to apologise. I'd call or visit or something, but I don't think my pride would let me talk. Besides, I'm not sure if he ever even considered me to be a friend so I don't think he'd want to talk to me.

And this entry started out so happy too...


Open response to Jonas; [12 Aug 2005|08:19pm]
[ mood | evil ]

You so don't.


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[06 Aug 2005|02:13am]
[ mood | enthralled ]

I have an amazing girl beside me, and she's mine. I'm just as much hers, in all my dorkish ways.

That is all.

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